The Ultimate Cup

It is my firm belief that the most universally popular game since it’s release in 1996 has to be Mario Kart 64.

Certainly there are higher grossing games, and even games that more people have played. But it’s hard for me to go anywhere or talk to anyone about Mario Kart without hearing a chorus of “I love that game,” or “I am unstoppable at that shit.” The Kart is such a great game that people are still avid gamers today.

Now, I consider myself an aficionado of Mario Kart whose skills are unparalleled. It is my sincere belief that anytime I pick the controller that I will win. So with these skills in mind I feel that I have the licensing to create the ultimate Grand Prix from the 16 races available in Mario Kart 64.

So here is the new cup, composed of the four best races in Mario Kart, henceforth called the: 2 Girls 1 Cup

Wario Raceway

  • Regardless of whether you decide to do the shortcut at the beginning of the race or not, this is still the best race in the game. It isn’t a short one that allows for a last-to-first sprint with a single star, but it isn’t horrendously long as Rainbow Road. During the race there are hairpin turns and a jump that can result in falling into last place if you are hit with a lightning or you slip on a banana peel. When you are locked in a heated race on this level you must always be on your toes and you may be stressed, but you always will have fun.

Koopa Troopa Beach

  • What isn’t to love about racing on the beach. Not only do you have to dodge crabs, water, and palm trees, but there are also two sanctioned shortcuts. Even if you happen to miss these you can get a guaranteed Spike Shell and still have a shot at winning the race. To me this race has the most features and leads to a lot of tension and anger.

Yoshi Valley

  • I’m not going to try to say the fact that during the race you don’t know what place each person is in makes this a good race, but it is an interesting feature at least. What makes this a great race are the four different routes you can take as well as the precarious cliffs that exist throughout. It is one of the most challenging races because of those features as well as the porcupine and giant egg. If you aren’t good you will hate this race, otherwise it’s a blast.

Choco Mountain

  • Admittedly this is a bit of reach, but when you are on 150 cc this is a fun race. Narrow roads mixed with falling chocolate boulders and a drop that will knock you to last place if you slip up make this a neat race. There isn’t anything spectacular about it, but at the same time you won’t hate it like Mario Raceway, Toads Turnpike or Rainbow Road.


3 thoughts on “The Ultimate Cup

  1. Mario Raceway is the best course in the game. That’s not an opinion. It’s why the makers of the game let you access the time trials record for it from the title screen (R Button). That fact that you believe that you will win every time you pick up a controller just indicates that your competition sucks.

    • “That fact that you believe that you will win every time you pick up a controller just indicates that your competition sucks.”

      Perfect example of the Dunning-Kruger Effect.

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